Autism and coping with death
Just gone the anniversary of my Wife's final day alive, I'm bound to reflect on death, however more so the guilt of survival, and the infinite regret of past, present, and future autistic traits. Of course, I'm looking at this from all three tenses, especially considering that I am autistic, have always been and will always be.
During her decline, somewhere in my mind voices were screaming, I swear part of me knew, predicting the events with pinpoint accuracy and wishing I didn't. Denial and wishes mixing with the warnings, diluting them, unable to sway the future beyond a scant day. To date, people say I'm the strongest person they've known. I'm not strong, it's just my mind locking down, an autistic trait if ever I saw one. I feel trapped by all this.
It has taken an entire year for this particular lockdown to spool up, it's not the first, and probably won't be the last, but it has been and continues to be the most painful. Every moment orbits the entities of guilt, regret, and half of my adult life dedicated to my wife. Currently I don't know if the 'tism has been of some assistance or not in my continued survival, I know it's some silly percentage point where autistics are dying due to suicide. Several factors keep me vertical, and to those people who threw efforts in my direction, if you ever read this and add it all up, we all formed a gestalt which is why I'm here today to write this.
My life is currently in flux, I'm seemingly a passenger without the ideal sway of direction necessary to steer. I am prepping for the future, gathering resources both mental and physical, guarding against change for all I'm worth, and at the same time feeling the free-fall where the gravity of reality has firmly taken hold. I wonder how long I can keep missing the ground?
I recently spent some time with a friend, and for a brief moment I was part of a whole again, just for a moment, and then they went on with their life, leaving me to exist alone again. The loss of the feeling was crushing, taking the best part of two days to get over; it's very scary how much I can depend on others. Having someone to look out for is something of a dedication for me, it removes uncertainty, and gives the 'tism a focus, my life a purpose - I can use all the positive factors for good, not let them flip, spinning me in to the void. Fuck.