Checkboxes, stars, and AutCon 4
Yes, I just coined a new phrase, AutCon, it's like DEFCON as listed in the bottom graphic for the site, but strictly related to us, the 'tismed, Today has been a day off, a proper day off sans stress - the stars have aligned in that mystical way which is physically impossible, and equally impossible all the ticks are ticked. For a rare moment in time, I've dropped to DEFCON 4, OK it's still on the border of (the usual) DEFCON 3, but fuck me, it's progress, at least until the reset which is sleep.
The house is clean, I'm clean, everything is tidy, there are no outstanding urgent tasks, just gone payday, financial security is done for the the next month, it's β β β all the way home. Also helps I've not left the house, not spoken to any humans, and by txt to only one. No mail, no people. I've even fed myself properly, and had a small amount of alcohols. I enjoyed the storm from outside, under the new gazebo, man that sound was epic just epic, it was like everything compressed to a singular point of existence for one magical moment.
I think internal checkboxes are typical for us, the 'tismed. I've known for around 2 decades (before diagnosis) that my life runs on checkboxes, everything from getting up, to getting married, to having a life. It's like rocking horse shit when they all get ticked at once. I really wish I could live life and breeze through days like I have today. It's a cruelty that the 'tism prevents this 99.9% of the time.
When the 'tism mixes with grief it's especially difficult - my wife died almost a year ago now, this is the very first time everything is up to date, and I'm not at the bottom of a pile consisting largely of exhaustion, regret, guilt, and stress; perhaps this is the first time I've not been in chronic burnout for a year. I just have to get past this anniversary without breaking again.