Role play helps, heals and grounds
OK... So you all know I'm the autistic kid, late diagnosed, living life screaming into the void. And you'll also know I don't do BS.
I've been trying something. A role play in my head, mainly, poked around a bit by a friend. I'm playing out a part in an unscripted production, 24*7, as said an occasional poke from outside. It's weird, and working. It sounds strange, I know. Living another completely different life in my head. It's like an internalised version of The Sims. With the level of concentration, some, some of life's genuine noise slips into the background. Yes, no alcohol required, just effort of will.
It has a cost though, the first few days I tried it, I was doing the usual every day masking, battling the demons, and yeah... "very" tired.
I stopped masking in front of others. When I speak, everything, every thought, every word, they all come with their own rolodex, each page another word, another thought, and it's recursive - that's the energy expenditure. "Normally" I'd take the energy and settle the spin, the line, sentence coming out would be friendly to the Neurotypicals, everyone who isn't in my head.
So... I've let loose the demons from the dungeon in the depths of the spicy mind, I've been letting it flow, unfiltered. It has surprised some people, but to my shame, and honour, they've all been OK. There was one comment from a co-worker to try, a little, to be 'normal' around some of the people in the office. I appreciate that one, not everyone is the same. But at the end of my day, the filtering cost, the core of energy I expend just existing in the world, that's been reduced - I can, and have been redirecting the energy into my own internal Sim life. It's liberating. I'm not struggling for words for the ability to speak and function at two in the afternoon now. I last longer. It's like I switched up to Duracell from some unknown brand of battery.
It's also helping me with the trauma, another life in my head and some of the trauma of the last two years goes silent. Still there, but fucking silent, and I love that.
I know not the longevity of this to come, I know it does work, it's mine. I'm keeping it. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹