Swallowing rage - another source of autistic trauma
So, this happened to me yesterday, again. It keeps happening, and I'm seemingly unable to break this one. I was speaking with someone who was just wrong, and they had the absolute rudeness to repeatedly tell me to my face, to 'shut up'. They were simply unwilling to listen to the truth, the facts. It was a public situation where multiple people were present, and the person doing this to me was (probably still is) a friend. Normally she's a really great person who I get on with and will support, but perhaps she was filled with her own rage yesterday, or just being an idiot - I just don't know.
The result of this, I let another person get away with being rude and disrespectful to my face. Today I'm brimming with my own rage at myself and her for allowing this to happen, and guess what - this now won't get out of my head. I'm going use a lot of energy to pull out of this, all because one neurotypical idiot saw it fit to be rude and dismissive. As is always the case, had the roles been switched, I'd 100% be the villain and the one in trouble! Had I said anything at the time, I'd 100% be the villain, and in trouble.
This is where the 'tism kicks in, backed into a situation not of your own making where the neurotypicals will punish you no matter what you do, apart from swallowing your rage and pretending nothing happened. This always seems to happen when you've more to lose than others, sometimes in work, sometimes in the wider world. In work, it's always worse as you'll be plunged into a Kafkaesque nightmare themed world where you're completely lost and in danger of losing your job, your real-world-lifeline all because of one idiot. I long to be in the situation where I'd be able to blow a gasket, and say 'fuck you all', in a situation where there were no consequences for righting wrongs.