Sweary rant time - the wrong things to say!
This is a RANT, yes I've been pissed off with some people since my diagnosis, people who are gaslighting pieces of shit. Don't be a gaslighting piece of shit, be an excellent Human instead!
(a rider to this is that other people have been my very own personal heroes and I wouldn't be breathing today without them.)
| Phrase | Why Neurotypicals say this | Why this is toxic gaslighting to an Autistic Person | What the NT could say instead |
| “Everyone is a little autistic.” / “Everyone’s on the spectrum.” | Sometimes the NTs are genuinely trying to sympathise. Sometimes they’re trying to reduce stigma; sometimes they’re being a dismissive piece of shit, “Everyone does that, so stop making a fucking fuss, you're not special.” | Fuck no, everyone is not a little autistic. Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition, not a fucking personality quirk, the autistic person didn't just take a lunchtime quiz and decide, 'oh look, I'm autistic now', no it's months or years of research, a couple of years waiting for a diagnosis, or a very expensive private diagnosis with one or more clinical psychologists. Lots of people have individual traits associated with autism. That doesn’t make them autistic any more than occasionally getting a headache means you have a brain tumour. Reducing autism to “we’re all a bit like that” minimises the condition, the diagnosis and the support an autistic person may need. This one makes me especially mad! | “I can’t imagine exactly what that’s like for you. I’ve seen some of those traits in other people, but obviously autism is different. How does it affect you?” |
| “You don’t look autistic!” | Because apparently five minutes in your company qualifies them to overrule your lived experience and the clinical professionals who diagnosed you. Usually what they actually mean is, “You don’t match the autistic stereotype in my head.” | What the fuck does autistic look like? Autism doesn’t come with a uniform, it ain't a club, autistic people don't have a membership badge or a special handshake. High-masking autistic people can have jobs, relationships, houses, humour and conversations while still struggling like fuck underneath it all. If someone masks well enough that you can’t see their difficulties, that doesn’t prove the difficulties aren’t there. It proves the fucking mask works, so stop being a gaslighting piece of shit. | “You seem to cope well, but I assume you’ve told me this for a reason. Are you OK? Is there anything I can do to help?” |
| “Everyone does this.” / “Everyone goes through this.” / “Everyone copes.” | Usually it’s an attempt to normalise what you’ve said. Sometimes it’s just lazy dismissal: “Everyone else manages, why can’t you?” | Congratulations. You’ve just taken something an autistic person trusted you enough to explain and completely fucking dismissed it (you gaslighting piece of shit). The issue isn’t whether neurotypical people occasionally experience something vaguely similar. It’s the frequency, intensity, cumulative effect and ability to recover from it. Everyone gets tired too; that doesn’t mean chronic fatigue is bollocks. Autistic people don't measure tasks in time alone, it's an energy issue. Doing nothing, an autistic person's brain will be background processing 40%+ more than a neurotypical brain. | “Most people might be able to push through this, but I accept it affects you differently. Is there anything I can do to help?” |
| “Your autism must be mild because you’re high-functioning.” | You’re standing upright, holding a conversation and haven’t started screaming, so everything must be fucking marvellous. Often it’s meant as a compliment. Sometimes it’s just disbelief dressed up as one. | Functioning isn’t free, everything has an energy cost for autistics. You’re seeing the finished performance, not what it costs to produce it. Masking can mean spending the whole fucking day appearing completely fine and then getting home mentally destroyed and screaming illogically at insignificant things, like a ticking clock or the sound of electricity in the walls. Calling someone’s autism “mild” because they hide it well is like saying a duck isn’t paddling like a biological motor boat on speed under the water - Calm waters do not equal fucking “mild”! | “You cope really well. What do you have to do to manage that, and what does it cost you mentally?” |
| “I’ve seen autistic children/adults and you’re nothing like them.” | They’ve met two autistic people, watched half a documentary and now apparently have a fucking PhD in autism. You don’t behave like the autistic people they know, therefore something doesn’t add up. | When you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. We’re not fucking Pokémon with a standard set of stats, there isn't a fucking top-trumps autism game. Different autistic people have different traits, strengths, impairments, sensitivities, communication styles and support needs. Comparing one autistic person against another as a diagnostic test is ignorant bollocks. | “Thanks for trusting me with that. You’re different from other autistic people I know. What does autism look like specifically for you, and is there anything I should know?” |
| “Just try harder.” / “You’re incredibly defensive.” / “Stop being aggressive.” | The autistic person has pushed back, stopped masking or communicated too directly for neurotypical comfort. Instead of listening to what is actually being said, they get offended by how it was said. | Autistic communication can be blunt, literal and direct - Just like this fucking article (hint) That doesn’t automatically mean aggressive; when an autistic person tells you that something is too much, “try harder” is not fucking valid. They’ve probably spent half their life trying harder already, being better and more prepared than you could even imagine. If you know someone is autistic, perhaps consider that they communicate differently before deciding they’re being a twat. | “I’m struggling with how we’re communicating. Can we slow this down so I can properly understand what you’re trying to tell me?” |
| “You’re pulling the mental-health card.” / “Stop using this as an excuse.” | This is an especially polished piece of neurotypical gaslighting shit. Sometimes the explanation really is that they’re being a toxic fucking twat. Your disability is inconvenient to them, so declaring it an “excuse” saves them the exhausting burden of showing basic empathy. The fact that the autistic person probably just called them on this bullshit doesn't compute in their tiny brain. | Autism is a disability whether somebody else can fucking see it or not. Explaining how it affects your communication, sensory tolerance, stress response or ability to do something is an explanation, not a fucking excuse. An autistic person shouldn’t have to reach complete fucking meltdown before some ignorant gaslighting piece of shit finally decides their disability is sufficiently visible to count. | “OK. Help me understand how your disability affects this situation and what I can change or do differently to help you achieve what you’re trying to do.” |
Ok, so I've let off some steam, against the above points which have really been targeted in my direction. From speaking to others, I think this has blighted most autistic people, especially those of us who can actually communicate and mask effectively, and where they've been masking the true costs to being autistic from others. It's fucking soul destroying when you're diagnosed, it takes months or years to come to terms with it, in the meantime you're trying to de-mask and be kind to yourself. Some people can be fucking amazing and have left me speechless with their understanding and support; however as with the human experience specifically dialled into autistics, bad things take up an extraordinary amount of focus, which is why for this rant.
Yes, I've met and still know some sub-human pieces of gaslighting scum, but some I've educated and they're now better humans, others I've told to fuck off. If you think this rant is about you, it's not - as either I'd not be communicating with you, or I'd have told you as part of my un-masking since my diagnosis.
If you're autistic and reading this, you probably agree with some of the above, and if it gave you a wry smile, then my work is done in the article.
If you're a neurotypical person reading this, as you know or may know an autistic person, pay fucking attention :)