Trimming your life pre and post diagnosis
I've removed people from my life as an adult, family, friends, and acquaintances. There has always been a reason, I mean you don't just decide that one day this person isn't fit to be in your life. As an autistic person, looking back through the 'tism lens I can now see which people did what, and why I ended up in those situations. Of course at the times in question when the various snip-snips happened I was very much in crisis, and didn't know I was autistic.
This seems to be relevant due to the trait of loyalty beyond bounds, the specific type of loyalty which autistic people give. Speaking for myself, and also from what I've read, once we give loyalty it's there usually for life. The catch is that people are twats, some neurotypicals notice this and quite frankly take the fucking piss. Before you know it, due to the stronger loyalty trait, an autistic person will almost become a shadow, providing care and resources at their own expense to a person they're 'loyal' to. The situation often gets a lot worse before it gets better, and by better - I mean over!
Several times in my life I've realised I've been in this situation, as I get older and more experienced I've been able to recognise the situation, the warning signs with more clarity and faster, thus limiting the damage the (then toxic) person has wrought in my life. This was all before diagnosis. I just thought this was part of life, part of being human.
Now post diagnosis, looking through the lens and armed with the knowledge of my own traits driven by who I am (and have always been), myself, the autistic me, I'm starting to realise what's happening with some people with horror. Certainly pre-diagnosis I'd have carried on happily being the shadow, propping up others, suffering, being exhausted. Now though... wow... It's fucking hard because I can recognise the situation sooner with loathing and abject horror. The trick is taking that action and cutting off said person(s), the consequences, the stress, and (of course), running the 17 parallel universes in my head over and over and over again to see if I can come up with an answer, a path which provides the most favourable outcome and least pain.
When the moment arrives I always want to not go through with it, it's temping just to lean into it, a moth to the flame and just continue. It takes crisis, strength and learned experience to snip the people out.
Now I look for:
- Lack of reciprocity when I'm giving
- Requests to give, time, resources, anything
- Consideration of my needs, not just theirs
- Saying 'how high' when they say jump
- Emotional abuse
- Lies (often for no reason)
- Taking advantage of the autistic trait to trust what people say is just that!
- How they interact with other people and elements in my life
Those traits are the variables to watch (isn't everything a variable post diagnosis?). So if they all add up to the person being objectively a twat, it's time to snip away. Sometimes I don't possess the emotional strength for a direct confrontation, so I'll start to widen the gap, and gradually withdraw - I think it reduces the trauma that way, it's still horrible, but it's horrible in little bites until it's done. The other alternative is always 'the conversation', and then it's their gaslighting narcissistic behaviour to battle, and they're knowingly stabbing you in the heart and mind; BUT now I know, I've tracked the variables, done the dive into the rancid rabbit hole, and will commit to the snip.
Yeah, so the point is, being aware, not being used, and either way, slowly or in one big bang, getting rid of the gaslighting narcissistic twat bags once and for all, and maybe, just maybe going down a fraction of a DEFCON.