Weekend 'tism-tax
The start of the weekend for me, autistic me, is time to pay the 'tism-tax, it the invisible unavoidable tax which is the residual energy cost from the week. I've had this so long, but recently for the last year, and post diagnosis I've realised what this is - I just thought, 'hey getting older', but narp, it turns out to be the 'tism-tax.
All of the excess masking costs, the energy consumption, the important meetings, the not eating properly catches up. Last week was awful, I spent the first half of the weekend in recovery, hell I slept most of it away whilst being listless. I always try to get the groceries on my way home on the Friday, as I know the following day I'll be a ruin of my usual functioning self, generally speaking I've gotten used (now) to not having any plans on Saturdays.
Looking back to married life, it was always a case of forcing the usual domestic chores, going shopping together, housework etc... and when going out I was so on edge, so defensive, couldn't stand the shop, the people, the noise, lights, the drive, anything!
Come this weekend, I had a normal start, but was so demotivated and tired I skipped breakfast... Didn't even realise, then thought it was a good idea to go do the very thing I hate and do the shopping - I've a guest next week and thought that would help. It was horrible, the traffic drove me nuts with people seemingly asleep at the wheel to me... but I'm at DEFCON 3, so am more aware than the NTs driving in blissful ignorance around me!
Did one shop which is around a 20 mile round trip, then decided to another. I had the noise cancelling headphones on, they helped. Still nerve jangled. Went to do a third shop, and honestly started screaming at myself in the car, and had to divert to home... 'go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200'. Just what the fuck was I thinking, going shopping in regular people hours. I should know better, go as soon as the shops open, get home, avoid people - should be my fucking mantra honestly. Now I'll have to be up early and finish the shopping up whilst avoiding the fuck out of people or noise...
Returning to home was everything on full stop, I sat on the couch, realised I was very hungry, but should I launch off the couch and get food? Took me two hours, just WTF dudes, WTF.
It's coming up to 18:00 now, and I'm starting to feel like I can do stuff again. I've a woodworking project tomorrow, so must remember to take breaks, meds, eat and drink. Fingers crossed I'll have enough energy for the rest of the weekend.
This week I've paid the 'tism-tax in full! πΈπΈπΈ